apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
