Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
that may or may not have been my penis.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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