I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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