I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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