Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
