I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
