How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
