Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
