I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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