I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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