We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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