im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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