Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
