Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
