You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize