toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
