I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
