Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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