im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think your dad took our porno
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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