It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
