that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
