your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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