there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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