so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
