just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
