Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
