guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
