my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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