i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
