Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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