I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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