I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
