franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
