How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She even gives head with a lisp.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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