Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
