I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize