Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
