Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
