first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
