listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
