Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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