Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
