Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
