i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
