My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
