i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
