My sheets look like a crime scene.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
