Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
