my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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