I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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