cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
