Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
