help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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