Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
