Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
