watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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