My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
two words: eviction party
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
