Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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