Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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