cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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