It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
