just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
