Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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